Rely on God through Your Child's Difficult Phase

Cindi McMenamin is committed to helping women find strength for the soul. In this Parenting UPGRADE, she reminds us God can strengthen us during our children's toughest "phases."

“Most of our children’s difficult phases are temporary," Cindi says, "but how we choose to handle them can have more lasting impact.”

I think I (Dawn) was one of those blessed moms. I don't remember a difficult phase in my sons' lives. They were relatively "easy." But as I watched some of my friends' struggles with their kids, I also  observed how much they called out to God for help to "get through" those days. Wise words here from Cindi.

She continues  . . .

Most of the things we worry about come down to a phase our kids are going through. A phase that eventually ends and then our kids seem normal again.

As I wrote my book, 10 Secrets to Becoming a Worry-Free Mom,  I interviewed moms of children going through the “questioning” stage, the “testing” stage, and the “lack of motivation” stage, to name just a few.

In some cases the phase lasted only a few months. In most cases, it lasted about a year. But in every case I've seen or heard about, it was a limited time – a short season of a child’s life.

One mom summed it up like this:  

“Every phase my kids went through, whether good or bad, seemed to change over time. I spent a lot of time worrying about something that wasn’t even an issue a year later.”

• Worry negatively affects our health.
• Worry damages our relationship with our children by making them not want to tell us what is going on in their lives.
• And worry models to our children a lack of trust in God.

So there has to be another way to deal with their difficult phases.

Philippians 4:6 commands us:

"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.  Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus" (NLT).

Here are some practical ways to keep this command to not worry—and keep your sanity—when your child is going through a difficult stage:   

1. Learn to Respond, Rather Than React.

When we react, rather than respond to our children’s behavior, it can escalate a situation between a parent and child, especially if you are reacting emotionally to something you don't understand (like your child's choice of dress or unusual request).

Instead of reacting to something your child might say from a bad attitude or an irrational thought, respond by calmly saying "Tell me more about that.”

2. Learn to Laugh.

It helps to have a sense of humor.  

See the “stage” as something to look back and laugh about later.

3. Learn to Count it Out.

One mom told me she "counts to ten" in every situation where she's tempted to blow.

Being patient by taking a deep breath and counting makes sure we are not as impulsive and emotional in our responses, as our children are in their actions.

4. Learn from Moms Who Have Been There.

God many times speaks to us through the wisdom of others. Talk to godly moms who are facing the same things with their kids and can offer sound biblical insight.

If you don't have a group of moms around you who can give you biblical advice, find a Moms in Prayer group at your children’s school or find a moms group at your local church.

5. Lean on God and His Word.

In Psalm 16:8, David said:

"I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken."

Life’s circumstances can shake us. Our children’s constant changes can take us by surprise and rattle us. But you can have the kind of confidence David had when he said “I will not be shaken.”

As you lean on God, who never changes, and His Word, which is rock solid, you can stand firmly and be a steady, immovable force in your child's life no matter what he or she is going through and no matter what changes are swirling around you.

Which step will you take to keep from worrying during your child’s difficult phase?

Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker who helps women find strength for the soul. She is the author of 15 books, including When Women Walk Alone (more than 125,000 copies sold), When a Woman Inspires Her Husband, and her newest book, 10 Secrets to Becoming a Worry-Free Mom.  For more on her ministry, books, or free resources to strengthen your walk with God, your marriage, or your parenting, see her website: StrengthForTheSoul.com.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Idahoeditor_Morguefile.

The Secret to Confident Mothering

Author and speaker Becky Harling impresses me as a woman who makes wise choices, and in this Parenting UPGRADE, she highlights the powerful choice to practice praising God in the home.

“Motherhood is a crazy journey, simultaneously wonderful and terrifying,” Becky says. “I know because I’ve been there.”

I (Dawn) remember those young days of motherhood. I worried about a lot of things when my boys were little. I wish I'd had someone like Becky to whisper words of peace to my heart.

Becky continues . . .

I’ve raised four kids and now have five grandchildren. While I enjoyed much of my parenting journey, I struggled with a lot of anxiety. There were days when I wondered if I would lose my mind or, worse, if I would mess up their minds.

I lived in fear that, because of me, my kids might have to spend thousands of dollars on therapy! A therapist friend of mine has a pillow siting on the couch in her office that says, “If it’s not one thing, it’s your Mother!” 

Well, into my parenting journey, I began a new spiritual practice that not only enhanced my relationship with God, but it also made me a more confident mother and strengthened my relationships with my children.

I began the practice right after being diagnosed with cancer.

If anything throws a curve ball into your parenting, it’s cancer. As I was grappling with the severity of that diagnosis, a friend challenging me,

“Becky, will you praise God for twenty minutes a day even as you walk through cancer?” 

Initially, I thought that was a lame idea! I mean honestly, I didn’t exactly feel like jumping up and down shouting, “Hallelujah, I’m facing a double mastectomy.” But, after considering my options, I decided to take my friend’s challenge. What I experienced radically changed my life.

I began INTENTIONALLY praising God daily for what He was doing in my kids’ lives and in mine.

I praised Him that cancer wasn’t catching Him off guard and that I could trust Him with our family’s future.

Trust me, there were moments when I didn’t feel like it! But as I continued, I learned that praising God isn’t just some glib hallelujah when finances are prospering, your health is flourishing, and your family is thriving.

Praising God is the intentional declaration by faith that exalts God above your life circumstances.

• I praised God for His sovereign control over the lives my children.
• I exalted Him that He loved my kids even more than I did.
• I worshipped Him as the Almighty One who was able to do beyond what I could even imagine in the lives of my kids.

As I continued, I began to notice changes. God’s presence came close and calmed my fears. My kid’s faith grew deeper and relationships grew stronger. Most of all my anxiety lessened. 

I believe this is what the Apostle Paul was getting at when he wrote,

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).

From a human perspective, there are many things to worry about as a mother. But I believe with all my heart, if you will choose to praise God above your fears, your anxiety will diminish and peace will replace panic.

What do you worry most about in your mothering journey? How might praising God diminish that anxiety?

Becky Harling. Authentic. Passionate. Funny. Insightful. Becky is a frequent speaker at conferences, retreats, and other venues. She is the author of Rewriting Your Emotional Script, Freedom from Performing, The 30 Day Praise Challenge and The 30 Day Praise Challenge for Parents. Becky is married to Steve Harling and has four adult kids and five grandkids. Visit her website and blog!

Graphic adapted from an image courtesy of Ambro at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Don't Let Worry Steal Your Joy!

Kathy Collard Miller is a women's conference speaker and author of 49 books. Her newest book encourages women to trust God more and worry less.

“Worry often isn't considered detrimental, just something that takes up time,” Kathy says, “but worry not only steals our joy in God, it can have destructive influence in our soul, spirit, and body.”

I can understand Kathy's comment. I've seen worry cause women to react negatively toward those they love and even get depressed.

Kathy continues …

In our relationships, there are three things worry can't do and three things we can do.

1. Worry can't communicate love. Some women think that if they tell a loved one they are worried about them, that will express love. But it actually communicates you think your loved one is incapable of making good decisions and that God isn't powerful enough to give help.

Instead, we can upgrade our relationships by clearly expressing love through words of confidence in that loved one (even if they aren't perfect) and trust in God's power to guide and help. Say, “I'm praying for you and I love you. I know the Lord will guide you.”

2. Worry can't control others. You may think, “If only he would....” or “If only she will just...” their circumstances will change. We even try to control them through our prayers, telling God how to work in their lives, believing He should work in them a certain way.

Instead, we can upgrade our relationships by praying for God's will in their lives. Believe it or not, what you think is the absolutely best thing for someone might not be! Only God can see the total picture and know what's best for them and will bring Him glory.

3. Worry can't change others. We think our worry will cause a change in a person's character or increase their faith in God. As a result, we are compelled to argue, cajole, quote Scripture—even manipulate—to force a change in their perspective.

Instead, we can upgrade our relationships by listening instead of worrying. Asking questions and truly hearing their heart has more influence than worry trying to force a change.

As you think of those three blocks and the three upgrades, which upgrade do you want to work on?

GIVEAWAY: Make a comment today here (or on the Upgrade Facebook page) about which "worry upgrade" you'll work on, and your name will be entered into a drawing for Kathy's new book, Partly Cloudy with Scattered Worries: Finding Peace in All Kinds of Weather after it is released. (Drawing: October 15.)

Kathy Collard Miller has spoken in 30 states and seven foreign countries. She has 49 published books including Women of the Bible: Smart Guide to the Bible (Thomas Nelson) and she blogs regularly. Kathy lives in Southern California with Larry, her husband of 43 years, and is a mom and grandma. Kathy and Larry often speak together at marriage events and retreats.

Photo: Red umbrella Image courtesy of stockimages