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Entries in Gossiping (2)

Tuesday
Oct202020

"Did You Hear?"—Conquering the Gossip Addiction

In this Habits UPGRADE, Dawn encourages Christians to avoid gossipers and conquer the unseemly habit in themselves.

It has been estimated that 80% of our conversations are spent on discussing other people and their habits. In other words, we gossip. A lot.

While that seems high to me—I was thinking maybe 60%—it's still not something a Christian should ever do.

Gossiping is the act of spreading a rumor, or sharing idle talk—sometimes private information—to others in a personal, sensational and intimate way. The act may be malicious, or simply foolish; but God calls it sinful. A "gossiper" habitually spreads "juice" gossip.

Other similar activities include "talebearing," "whispering," giving an ill or "evil report," and slandering.

It's no small thing.

The Old Testament says, "He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy conceals a matter" and "He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets, therefore do not associate with a gossip" (Proverbs 11:13; 20:19).

Slanderers are called fools (Proverbs 10:18), and whisperers hurt and destroy others (Proverbs 18:8).

Have you ever noticed how gossip is usually passed on in whispers? We don't want others to know we're sharing "secrets." Whispering creates conflict, so we need to be careful not to add fuel to the flames (Proverbs 26:20).

That's all Old Testament truth, but the New Testament is even more pointed.

The New Testament word for gossipers is also "whisperers," but also "babbler." Paul said the pagans were gossipers (Romans 1:29), but even those in the church could arrogantly slander others and gossip (2 Corinthians 12:20-21)—two of the sins that grieved the Apostle Paul.

Gossiping and whispering was a problem for idle young widows, Paul said (1 Timothy 5:13). He called them "busybodies." He instructed women not to be "malicious gossips" (1 Timothy 3:11). 

Perhaps people who gossip think it's justified because the information is true; but gossip is sharing information that shouldn't be shared with people who are not part of the problem or the solution—even if it is the truth.

Pride may also be involved. We can delight in sharing something "confidentially" that we know others  might not know.

Also, our "Did you hear?" information may not be loving or kind.

Listening to others' gossip makes us a willing accomplice (Proverbs 17:4), and it contaminates our inner life as well.

If we wouldn't say it directly to the person who is the subject of the information, we shouldn't ever share it with others. (Maybe there's one exception—if that person is in direct danger.)

So, maybe that 80% statistic is something we need to think about.

As I've pondered this, I thought of some hard questions Christ-followers probably need to ask themselves:

  1. Am I driven to tell others' "secrets"? Am I addicted to gossip—compulsive about it?
  2. Are people avoiding telling me things—maybe because they wonder if I will "pass it along" to others?
  3. When have I justified my whispering?
  4. Do I share "prayer requests" that are really gossip?
  5. Do people often approach me to share "juicy" information? What does that say about me?
  6. Have I ever betrayed a confidence in my sharing?
  7. How do I know the difference between good sharing vs. gossip? (Is there really a "fine line"? If so, what is it?)
  8. What do I feel like after I share information about others?
  9. Is God pleased by what I share with others?
  10. Is this a destructive habit I need to break?

The Bible warns repeatedly about gossip, so God thinks it is serious.

I need to take gossip as seriously as God does!

Sometimes we get caught up in a gossip session and aren't sure what to do. Like the old proverb, "We can't avoid the bird flying over our head, but we can prevent him from building a nest in our hair," there are a number of steps we can take to cut a gossip session short.

Five Steps to Take in Dealing with Gossipers

1. Confront Gossipers

Stand up to people who gossip by saying you don't want to know about what they're trying to tell you. Be polite yet firm. It's not refusing to participate, it's holding others accountable. Jesus holds high value on our words (Matthew 12:36-37).

2. Change the Subject

Sometimes we can distract people from gossiping by changing the subject. Remember Ephesians 4:29 and consider whether the words are "unwholesome" or helpful in building people up and encouraging them.

3. Challenge the Information

Pieces of information may be missing or incorrect. Sometimes by asking questions, we can figure out a problem in a shared story, or see how the gossip is unreliable. We can correct untruths and give those being attacked the benefit of the doubt until there is more proof. We may not have all the facts, or understand the motives of their hearts (1 Corinthians 2:11).

In the case of serious sin, there are biblical principles for confronting this through church discipline (Matthew 18:15-17; 1 Corinthians 5:1-13)—and it does not include gossip!

4. Choose Positive Conversations

Think about things that are excellent and praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8).

Consider that those being gossiped about also have positive qualities. Try to focus on and express those to others.

5. Call on the Lord

With all the gossiping going on, a good practice is to turn gossip targets into the objects of our prayers. Isn't it better to talk to the Lord instead of other people about the possible failings and negative stories we hear? We are to pray about everything (Philippians 4:6), and that includes the "whispers" of gossip.

We can ask the Holy Spirit to intervene if there is an actual problem, to overcome the attacks on good reputations, and to bless those who are persecuted through gossip. God wants us to be peacemakers (Matthew 5:9), and that begins with sincere prayers.

And if YOU have a Gossip Addiction, use these five steps on yourself!

  • Confront the unwise use of your tongue.
  • Change your thinking and consider ways to build others up.
  • Challenge the information—be intentional about asking questions to discover truth before you jump into a gossip session.
  • Choose transformed thinking (Romans 12:2) rather than the easy way of gossip.
  • Call out to God for wisdom and the Holy Spirit for help in overcoming this sinful habit. You are already an overcomer in Christ (1 Corinthians 15:57). Lay hold of that power.

Instead of "Did you hear?," ask, "How can I get the victory today, Lord?"

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is a speaker and author, and the creator the blog, Upgrade with Dawn. She is a contracted researcher/reviewer for women's teacher and revivalist, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, at Revive Our Hearts, a blogger at TrueWoman.com, writes wiki-type posts at  Christianity.com, and is a regular columnist at Crosswalk.com. She and her husband Bob live in sunny Southern California, and Dawn has traveled with Him in Pacesetter Global Outreach. They have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Ben White at Unsplash.

Tuesday
May152018

How to Deal with Gossip—about You!

In this Attitude UPGRADE, Kathy Collard Miller addresses the wounding of gossip, and how godly people should respond when others' words hurt.

“Dealing with people who gossip about us is so difficult,” Kathy says. “But there is a way to have peace—through godly sorrow.”

I (Dawn) have to admit: I've never thought about gossip that way. But Kathy's insight is simply amazing ... and biblical!

Kathy continues . . .

I recently learned that someone criticized me to a group of people. Although I didn’t know this group of people, I felt deeply wounded that I was misrepresented.

I wanted to lash out at the gossiping person. Then I thought of the Apostle Paul’s response to his fellow Jews who were gossiping about him.

“I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart. For I could wish that I myself were accursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers, my kinsmen according to the flesh.” (Romans 9:2-3 ESV)

Because of that passage, I asked God to give me godly sorrow for that person—even at my own expense.

Asking myself three questions helped me have godly sorrow and peace.

1. Why might this person speak negatively about me?

The gossiping woman had been deeply wounded as a child and felt inadequate. She compared herself to everyone and always found herself lacking.

Her need to gossip, though sinning, wasn’t particularly about me. It was her sinful pattern to deal with her own insecurity. I felt offended, but being offended is because I’m believing the lie she told about me.

I truly believe most gossipers are motivated by their own broken self-image.

Most often those who listen to a gossiper can identify their motive. But even if they don’t, my worth and value is determined by God, not someone else’s words about me.

2. How can I love that gossiping person?

Although I wanted to confront that person, I was able to correctly evaluate God’s will because of the peace from godly sorrow in my heart.

Sometimes the Lord will lead us to confront that sinning person and we need to do it in love, not in haste and anger. Only seeing their broken heart and motives will give us the ability to love them for their good, not our defense.

My own sin of succumbing to the temptation of gossiping in the past helped me to forgive this woman. The Bible says we can forgive others who have hurt us because we have been forgiven (Colossians 3:13)

3. Why do I feel threatened?

That question might seem totally ridiculous, because the answer is she talked about me!

But there’s something deeper.

I felt a need to defend the halo around my reputation.

To make sure everyone knew I really am a good person.

But my peace came from knowing God is in charge of my reputation and He can defend me if He wants. Even if I go around trying to correct other people’s opinion of me, it will only cause me distress.

People choose what they want to believe. I can’t control that.

Have you been gossiped about? Have you gossiped?

  • If we’re on the receiving end, we can trust God by knowing He is our defender.
  • If we have gossiped, we need to ask God to forgive us and ask for forgiveness of the person we sinned against.

Either way, peace from godly sorrow will well up inside us—whether it’s the sin of others or our own.

Kathy Collard Miller is the author of over 50 books, her most recent is No More Anger: Hope for an Out-of-Control Mom (Elk Lake Publishing). She loves to speak at events and has spoken in over 30 US states and 8 foreign countries. Visit her: www.KathyCollardMiller.com.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Prixel Creative at Lightstock.