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Entries in Relationships (8)

Thursday

Nov102016

7 Steps to Resolve Conflict (Hint: It Takes Humility!)

Susan K. Stewart is a practical gal with a lot of wisdom. In this Relationships UPGRADE, she shares important, biblical steps to resolving relationship conflicts.

"'Not again. How many times can he preach on this subject? Who is it stirring up trouble now?' Those were my thoughts," Susan said, "when I read the sermon title: 'Resolution: The Matthew Solution.'"

Like Susan, I (Dawn) have been uncomfortable in church, wincing with the pinch of a convicting message and wishing the pastor would move on to a less painful topic. Or at least, preach it to someone else! It took me a long time to understand it was really the Spirit of God tugging at my own heart.

Susan continues . . .

A recent undercurrent of discontent infected our congregation. That is often a problem in groups of people We are, after all, sinful humans who happen to be saved by grace. Conflict among Christians should not be a surprise.

“How will he admonish us this week?”

I had developed a terrible attitude about the whole situation. I sat trying to be attentive for that grain of truth God had for me.

Somehow I missed it.

During the following week, God led me to the book of James. I focused on James 4:7-10.

My heart opened to what should have been a no brainer, clear steps to resolving conflict.

1. Submit to God

No matter the circumstances, submit to God. Ask for his wisdom to see the truth, not the colored viewpoint of humans.

Be willing to follow him, wherever it may lead.

2. Resist the devil

As we submit to God, we resist the devil. But the attacks will continue during the peacemaking process.

Satan wants to convince us that we aren’t at fault. He says following God’s way is troublesome, a lot of work, and a hindrance to the outcome we want. As humans, what we want is peace at all cost and to look like the peacemaker.

3. Draw near to God

The more we resist the devil, the closer we move to God. As we move closer thim, the better able we can resist the devil.

The closer we are to God, the more we will be able to remove our own desires and submit to God’s.

4. Cleanse your hands

Here’s where the rubber starts to screech along the road.

What? Me, the sinner? We’ve become ingrained with the truth in Matthew 18: go to the one who has sinned against you. Instead when there’s a clash, we should be looking at our own sin.

“First take the log out of your own eye” (Matthew 7:5 NASB). We need to face our own sin before we confront anyone else’s.

5. Purify your heart

Is the goal of conflict resolution to make everyone happy? Or is it reconciliation with God?

To approach a solution to the friction, our own hearts need to be clean. This is done by seeking to please God, not other people.

Not everyone will be happy, but God will be delighted.

6. Be miserable and mourn and weep

Sin is the root of the strife and we should be saddened and repentant.

As we submit to God’s authority and purify our hearts, we come to realize how destructive our own sin is in the conflict.

7. Humble yourself

Humility isn’t weakness; it is the opposite of pride.

How often is pride the sin at the heart of discord? Humility is the admission we can do nothing on our own.

When pride takes hold, we think we have the solution to any problem. But only God is the true peacemaker.

Don’t worry; you’ll have an opportunity to put these steps into practice.

The next time conflict resolution is the topic of a sermon, article or conversation, remember James’ steps to peacemaking.

Resolve the strife in yourself, and then you will be prepared to help others.

Is there a conflict in your life? How will you follow James’s steps to resolve it?

Susan K. Stewart—when she’s not tending chickens and peacocks—teaches, writes and edits non-fiction. Her passion is to inspire readers with practical, real-world solutions. Susan's books include Science in the Kitchen, Preschool: At What Cost? and the award-winning Formatting e-Books for Writers. Learn more about Susan at www.practicalinspirations.com

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Thursday, November 10, 2016 at 12:48PM

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Thursday

Oct132016

Prioritizing People: How to Upgrade Your Decisions

Dawn Wilson

Author and international speaker Pam Farrel always seeks to breathe life into relationships, and in this Relationship UPGRADE, she focuses on the sometimes tough subject of "who should get my time"?

"Good decisions," Pam says, "will protect and provide for those who might not be able to, or yet know how to, protect themselves"

I (Dawn) know women struggle with prioritizing the people in their lives. However, none of us has unlimited time, energy or focus. As my friend Pam says, "The reality is, we must learn to see people and how we spend our time with and for people from a more heavenly point of view."

Pam continues . . .

Often women feel frozen when trying to decide on just how to prioritize people. However, even Jesus had to make choices on how He would spend His time and with whom.

Here are two of the questions I ask when trying to decide people-time priorities:

1. Who has earned more right to my time?

Some people truly deserve to be prioritized. For example, I will always answer my cell and quickly return a call to my mother, or rearrange my schedule if she is in need of my help. I do this because she gave birth to me, then gave of herself to raise me into the leader I am today. (Believe me, with my strong will, she had her work cut out for her!)

When I said, “I do” to my husband, God asked me to become a quality “helpmeet” to him.

Also all of my sons, their wives, and my grandkids deserve my time, because God gave them to our family as a gift.

My siblings, grandparents, in-laws, those in my extended family may also rotate in my schedule if they have a pressing need or issue that my skills set can help with.

In addition, if I make a commitment to a client (or boss), a disciple or a mentee, I do everything in my power to keep promises made.

Most of us understand this concept in principle—but what happens when several of these people —or others—all seem to need us all at the same time?

At that moment, I ask:

2. Who is "the least of these"?

Jesus used this principle in a parable:

"The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me'" (Matthew 25:40 NIV).

In your situation, ask, “Who needs protected or provided for most?”

“The least of these” are the very smallest or least of status. Jesus said how we treat those who we cannot gain from—and may not be able to protect or provide for themselves—is a reflection of how we are treating Jesus.

In a family setting “least of these” might be:

A CHILD

If you are a parent, every decision you make, know that your children are your “least of these”. So ask:

“How will this impact the kids?”
“What choice do I need to make to give the best long range outcome for the kids?”
“Who do I want my child to be as an adult? What choice here will get them there?”

A PARENT

The least of these does not always mean a child focus. For example, we went from directing and caring for our sons, and then a few years later, it was obvious Bill’s aging parents needed to become a high priority. Because their health continued to decline, we put our home up for sale to move nearer to aid them.

A FAMILY MEMBER or FRIEND

God might move one of the relationships listed under the first question above to the front burner of your life if something catastrophic hits: a death, an illness, a financial collapse, etc.

These are more often a temporary shift of time, energy and focus given until the storm has passed.

YOU!

When you fly on a plane, the flight attendant always says, “In case of an emergency, put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then on the person you are traveling with”.

To care for “the least of these” means we also have to care for ourselves, so we can care for others!

Today, who is your “least of these”?

Pam Farrel is the author of 45 books, an international speaker, and relationship expert who seeks to breathe life into people’s most vital relationships through the ministry she runs with her husband, Love-Wise. Today’s blog is adapted from her newest book, 7 Simple Skills for Every Woman: Success At Keeping It All Together.

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Thursday, October 13, 2016 at 12:40PM

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Thursday

Jul282016

Invest in Your Prime Relationships - Part 2

Dawn Wilson

What are your "Prime Relationships"? In the last UPGRADE post, Dawn asked this question and said we can all invest more in our prime relationships. First we invest in our relationship with the Lord, and then we invest in ourselves (so we will be strong and ready to serve God).

There are three other priority relationships, and investments in each of them can make a huge difference in OUR lives - and in THEIRS!

[Note: for a more detailed version of this post with scriptures, see my other blog: Heart Choices Today.]

Investment #3: INVEST in YOUR SPOUSE

If you are married, this is your prime relationship after your relationship with God.

There are so many ways to invest in a spouse. Here are only a few:

1. Communicate Love and Appreciation.

Learn and apply the "love list." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).
Make regular verbal "deposits."

2. Develop a Partnership.

Don't try to go it alone. You are "heirs of the grace of life" (1 Peter 3:7).
Become friendly warriors together in the battle against temptation.
Seek the Lord together for His purposes in your home.
Ask, "How can I help?"

3. Value Gifts and Skills.

Discover your Partner's spiritual gifts.
Notice your partner's skills.
Help cultivate these gifts.
Appreciate and value your partner in public.

4. Fulfill Your Role.

Study the Blueprint. (Ephesians 6:21-33)

Husbands can protect, provide for, lead with love and wisdom; respond in gentle, loving, kind and respectful ways to honor their wives; express appropriate public praise; and study their wives and help them become the women God purposed them to be.
Wives can support and encourage his leadership in the home; appreciate their work; manage their home well; show respect; trust God with her highest hopes for her man; and understand and appreciate her husband's God-given sexual needs.

Investment #4: INVEST in YOUR CHILDREN

After your spouse, your children are the next priority investment—not the other way around.

1. Love Them Unconditionally.

Don't expect perfection. Your kids are going to mess up. They're kids!
Express your love privately and publicly.
Help them see the value of "family."

2. Teach Them to Seek the Lord.

Help them see their need for the Lord.
Don't give answers too quickly. Challenge them to search the scripture.
Teach them how to pray.
Promote a godly legacy.

3. Discipline Wisely.

Distinguish between immaturity and defiance.
Discipline quickly and wisely.
Encourage proper respect.
Encourage growth and change.

4. Model Good Character.

Model behavior you want repeated. .
Reward good behavior.
Train them to be responsible.
Help them cultivate godly friendships.

5. Encourage Creative Growth.

Don't overschedule their lives.
Encourage their creativity.
Help them stretch.
Give them space to pursue their dreams.

Investment #5: INVEST in YOUR FRIENDSHIPS

Good friends don't just happen. Friendship requires intentional investment.

1. Practice Committed Encouragement.

Be intentional.
Practice loyalty.
Be generous.
Build into their lives. .

2. Listen More and Better.

Listen to their heart.
Listen with compassion.
Ask questions. Seek to understand so you can encourage.

3. Challenge Greater Growth.

Go deeper, with purpose. If youi've developed the kind of friendship that can bear the weight of accountability, ask deeper questions that challenge your friend to greater growth.
Come alongside.
Pray for your friend regularly.

Can you apply any of these strategies to your own prime relationships? Which one would make the biggest difference today?

Note: There was a lot of territory covered in these two posts, and by all means, it does not cover everything that will encourage wise investments in your relationships. I encourage you to discover more as you "read the manual" for all relationships: the Word of God.

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is a speaker and author, and the creator of three blogs: Heart Choices Today, LOL with God (with Pam Farrel), and Upgrade with Dawn. She is contracted researcher for Revive Our Hearts. She and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

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Thursday, July 28, 2016 at 7:19AM

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Tuesday

Jul262016

Invest in Your Prime Relationships - Part 1

Dawn Wilson

What are your "Prime Relationships"? In this Relationship UPGRADE, Dawn Wilson encourages the kind of "investments" in these relationships that reap powerful results—so it's important to know what they are.

[Note: For a more detailed version of this post with scriptures, see my other blog: Heart Choices Today.]

Investments are not only about money. Investments are akin to watering what you want to grow! We can invest in relationships!

When we invest in someone's life, it likely to cost us something. But investing is wise!

Someone invested invested in my life this year with her time, helping me with a project.
Another someone invested in my life using her financial resources.
And another invested encouragement, motivating me to see the big picture when I was so focused on one failing day.

I want to invest in others' lives too, with time, talents, finances, prayers, words, truth ... and so much more. I'm asking the Lord to help me see needs so I can "invest" wisely. How about you?

In this two-part post, I want to share some practical ways we can wisely and faithfully "invest."

These are the first two "investents."

Investment #1. INVEST in YOUR LORD

Don't forget: this is your prime relationship!

Jesus said, "...what does it profit a man to gain the whole world, and forfeit his soul?" (Mark 8:36).

We can store up treasures and yet not be "rich toward God" (Luke 12:21).

1. Know the Lord.

Examine your heart. Do you really know Him, or just know about Him?
Seek Him. Pursue Him. Be intentional.
Grow in your intimacy with Him.

2. Deposit Your Life with the Lord.

Trust His character.
Appreciate His love.
Celebrate your security (in Christ).

3. Seek to Please the Father.

Yield Your body to Him.
Be obedient to Him.
Follow Jesus' example.
Discover how to be like Jesus!
Bear good fruit!
Love others well.

4. Cherish His Word.

Use your Bible.
Stand for truth.

5. Rely on the Holy Spirit.

Don't Ignore God's Gift.

Investment #2. INVEST in YOURSELF.

Viewed correctly and biblically this isn't selfishness.

If you don't invest in your own health and well-being, how will you find the strength to invest in others?

Loving others as yourself assumes you've learned how to love yourself biblically (Mark 12:30-31).

1. Take Care of Yourself!

Nurture your body.
Move your body.
Relax.
Get some sleep .

2. "Paint the Barn."

Maintain the Temple... reflect the beauty of the Lord who created you.
Style yourself for a simple, attractive appearance.

3. Expand Your Horizons.

Discover your strengths and weaknesses ... your spiritual gifts.
Develop some new skills and explore creativity options.
Expand your knowledge.
Further your education.

4. Plan for Strategic Dreaming!

Plan to decompress.
Plan in daily "breaks" to rest and recharge.
Give yourself permission and time to dream.
Be a FINANCIAL investor.
Set aside some "dream" money.

5. Practice Gratitude.

Look for things to appreciate.
Train yourself to notice God's goodness.
Be thankful for grace.
Worship in thanksgiving.

We'll continue with three more "investments" in the next post. [Note: for a longer version of this post with scriptures, see my other blog: Heart Choices Today.]

Meanwhile, do you need to invest more in your relationship with the Lord, in your own well-being, or in your husband? Which of these tips might help today?

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Tuesday, July 26, 2016 at 8:23AM

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Thursday

Mar102016

8 Myths for Why Relationships Fail - Part 2

Dawn Wilson

In Part 2 of this Relationship UPGRADE, Laura Petherbridge asks us to explore the last four myths for why relationships fail.

You might want to remember and consider what Laura said in Part 1: There are “hidden booby traps that often go undetected until the relationship dies.”

I (Dawn) don’t think any wise person wants his/her marriage to die. We want to expose those booby traps so we can work on the relationship! I still remember the day I realized I was believing Myth #6 (below) in my own marriage! I had to confront it and change … and in turn, it strengthened our marriage.

So let’s continue with Laura in Part 2 . . .

Myth #5: Pornography Will Not Harm My Marriage.

If I plopped a few drops of Clorox bleach into your morning coffee would you drink it? Likely not.

That’s how pornography affects the precious sweetness of the sexual union between a husband and a wife. It’s toxic and deadly.

It’s adultery. Period.

“My wounds fester and stink because of my foolish sins” (Psalm 38: 5 NLT).

Myth #6: It’s My Spouse’s Job to Meet My Needs.

When we expect a human to meet a need that can only God can fill, we are headed for disappointment and trouble. It is neither feasible nor wise to expect a spouse to meet all of my needs.

God is the only one up for the task. He intentionally created us to seek our significance and purpose through Him alone. He is our source.

“For in him we live and move and have our being” (Acts 17:28a NIV).

Myth #7: Keeping Secrets from My Spouse Will Not Harm My Marriage.

Can your spouse look at your phone, computer, DVDs, gas mileage, receipts, credit card bill, closet, calendar or hiding spot at any time? If the answer is no, the immediate question is, “why not”? If the answer is because he/she is a manipulative bully and dictates your every move, than you have a different problem. But if it’s because you don’t want to be held accountable—that’s deception.

And lies destroy relationships.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” John 10:10 (NIV).

Myth #8: Divorce Does Not Happen to Good Christians.

I cringe when I hear a sermon where the pastor/speaker states that the way to keep a marriage alive is by “removing the word divorce from your vocabulary.”

Why? I have proof it’s untrue.

I removed the word divorce from my vocabulary. My former husband did not. I ended up ambushed by divorce.

The implication is a marriage will stay intact if a spouse decides to keep their vow. That’s incorrect because marriage involves two people. And it takes two people to get married, but only one person to divorce.

The phrase sets us up for failure because it implies you can control the actions and decisions of your spouse.

I hate divorce and desperately wanted my marriage to succeed.

And yet it didn’t.

Church attendance, Bible reading, salvation, prayer and reciting “I’ll never get divorced” do not automatically inoculate a spouse from divorce. Almost every person I’ve ministered to in divorce recovery said to me, “I can’t believe it. How did this happen? I never dreamed I’d be divorced.”

A wise Christian continuously works on strengthening his/her marriage, allows accountability, and discovers areas of weakness.

He/she fervently prays, learns, reads and grows as a spouse. All the while understanding, “The desire of my heart is to please God and be a steadfast, respectful compassionate and loving mate. I pray my spouse will do the same. God is in charge of controlling those things in my spouse. I can’t control the actions of another person.”

“Foolish dreamers live in a world of illusion; wise realists plant their feet on the ground” (Proverbs 14:18 MSG).

The reality is that marriage is not nearly as much about finding the right person as it is becoming the right person.

Do you see elements of the last four myths in your own marriage? What can you do today to improve your marriage? Do you have a wise, godly counselor who can help you work through tough issues? You don’t have to go through a difficult marriage alone.

Laura Petherbridge is an international author and speaker who serves couples and single adults with topics on singles, relationships, divorce prevention, stepfamilies and divorce recovery. She is the author of When “I Do” Becomes “I Don’t”—Practical Steps for Healing During Separation and Divorce; The Smart Stepmom—co-authored with Ron Deal; 101 Tips for the Smart Stepmom; and Quiet Moments for the Stepmom Soul. Visit Laura’s website, The Smart Stepmom.