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Tuesday

Mar082016

8 Myths for Why Relationships Fail - Part 1

As a speaker, author, teacher and life coach, Laura Petherbridge builds bridges of hope for and has keen insight into why relationships fail. In this Relationship UPGRADE, she offers helpful tips to help all married couples “check up” on their marriages.

“After more than twenty-five years in divorce recovery ministry,” Laura says, “I’ve watched more marriages disintegrate than I can count. Why do these relationships fail?”

I (Dawn) so appreciate Laura’s willingness to reach out to those who hurt from broken relationships—often a forgotten topic in our churches. She offers help from the Word of God and her own experiences.

Laura continues . . .

Listening to people who are getting divorced has helped me to uncover some of the root causes. These aren’t the obvious signs such as an empty check book or separate bedrooms. I’m referring to the concealed explosives lurking beneath the tension and fighting. The issues hidden under the stuff we address in church such as: love types, financial stress, gender differences, communication skills, respect, and intimacy.

Because the couple, “doesn’t know-what they don’t know” they rarely recognize the undetected detonators that destroy a marriage which could have been saved.

The unique insight I’ve gleaned after years working with those divorcing propels me to help expose the hidden booby traps that often go undetected until the relationship dies.

Here are 8 myths we believe about falling in love, getting married and maintaining a relationship.

Myth #1: Leniency Is an Act of Love

Does God have any problem allowing us to suffer a consequence when we make an unwise or sinful choice?

NO. (Disagree? Look up Adam and Eve, King David and Ananias/Sapphira.)

Then where did we get the crazy notion that loving our spouse means tolerating, ignoring, and making excuses for their harmful and sinful choices?

We certainly didn’t learn that perversion from the word from God—the Creator of Love.

He explains it clearly:

Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word” (Psalm 119:67 NIV).

Suffering, not leniency, was the action that brought the Psalmist to his senses.

True love allows a spouse to suffer a consequence when they repeatedly choose an unwise, destructive pattern.

The loving response is not done in disrespect or anger but rather a compassionate attitude of, “I love you too much to let you keep doing this without a consequence.” A harsh reality often provides the catalyst and motivation necessary for the spouse to come to their senses, make changes—and thrive.

Myth #2: I Can Change My Spouse.

I’m so grateful God is patient. It took the Holy Spirit some time and consistent nudging before I finally realized I was sinning and spitting in God’s face when I attempted to change or “fix” someone else—including my spouse.

God packed my husband’s personality luggage in the way He knew was best. I needed to stop trying to change him into what I think he should be—like ME!

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart” (Jeremiah 1:5 NLT).

Myth #3: I’m Entitled to Be Happy.

As much as I love my country, being born today in the USA comes with one significant pitfall. The land of the “free and the brave” has morphed into “I deserve to have and do whatever I want.”

As a nation we spend a lot of time focusing on our “rights” rather than our responsibilities. And this self-glorifying attitude is killing our marriages.

If there was ever a person who had the right to claim His rights—it was King Jesus! Even his trial was illegal. However, this is not His focus. He teaches us to focus on responsibility rather than rights. Loyalty lifts our head and fills us with self-respect, character, and dignity. This is the foundation that builds a healthy marriage and family.

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3 NIV).

Myth #4: My Childhood and Previous Emotional Wounds Are in the Past. They Have No Effect on My Marriage.

Both the sins done to you and the sins done by you affect your marriage. Past destructive choices embed shame, fear and self-loathing. That’s why God hates sin, it shackles us to lies and darkness. And unless we confront those tormentors, and learn how they have perverted our thinking and actions, they fester.

We cannot heal and restore what we refuse to admit and acknowledge.

Jesus forgives all sin and teaches us how to forgive others. The first step toward restoration is speaking truth and surrender.

“My father and mother walked out and left me, but GOD took me in” Psalm 27:10 (MSG).

Have you believed any of these myths so far? What is God saying to you about your marriage in relation to His truth?

In Part Two of this post, Laura will explore four more myths about relationships to help us understand why they fail.

Laura Petherbridge is an international author and speaker who serves couples and single adults with topics on singles, relationships, divorce prevention, stepfamilies and divorce recovery. She is the author of When “I Do” Becomes “I Don’t”—Practical Steps for Healing During Separation and Divorce; The Smart Stepmom—co-authored with Ron Deal; 101 Tips for the Smart Stepmom; and Quiet Moments for the Stepmom Soul. Visit Laura’s website, The Smart Stepmom.

Graphic adapted, i

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Tuesday, March 8, 2016 at 9:00AM

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Thursday

Mar032016

The Multitasking Dance

Dawn Wilson

Kaley Faith Rhea is a young woman with a heart for God and a unique perspective on life. (UPGRADE readers have read many posts by her mom, Rhonda.) In this Spiritual Growth UPGRADE Kaley has an unusual take on multitasking.

"How to Multitask: In 3 Easy … What? Were you just saying something? Because if you were, I missed it," Kaley said. "Sorry—I was typing."

Oh, Kaley. You've nailed "multitasking" well. I (Dawn) recognize the craziness in that!

Kaley continues . . .

On one side we have our culture screaming at us to do more, better, faster, smarter, everything at once.

On the other we’ve got the experts telling us multitasking is physically impossible for our brains and will probably destroy us and all we hold dear. So…cool.

Maybe you’ve been here: You’re checking your e-mail or scrolling through Facebook or thinking through your massive to-do list, and someone begins to speak to you. Someone you love perhaps.

And you think you’re listening. You really believe it. You’re sure your brain can handle these two simple tasks at once. So when that person says, “Did you hear what I said?” you answer, “Mmhm.”

But then comes the dreaded, “Well, what did I say?”

And you realize you have no idea.

If you Google the word “multitasking,” you’ll get a whole host of articles and research studies and podcasts agreeing that when people call themselves “good multitaskers,” they’re fooling themselves.

Some of us may be able to switch from one thing to the next very quickly, but our attention can only truly be on one thing at a time.

Trying to do several things at once can leave you stressed, your tasks poorly or half done, your heart unfed, and your priorities out of whack.

Sort of like that Martha versus Mary thing (Luke 10:38-42).

I’ve done this dance so many times I think I’ve finally gotten to the point where I can admit my ability to multitask is garbage and move on. And ahh, I can tell you, that was a load off my mind.

But then I came upon these verses in 1 Thessalonians 5:

Rejoice always (v. 16),

pray without ceasing (v. 17),

give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you (v. 18).

Whoa, Lord, whoa! Hang on!

Rejoice always? Pray without ceasing? Give thanks in all circumstances? No, but I just accepted that I can’t do more than one thing at a time!

How can I rejoice while I’m trying to explain to a six-year-old why he may not use that word?
How can I pray while I’m talking to my boss at work?
How in the world am I supposed to give thanks while I’m rushing through the store to find that last minute birthday gift I forgot?
How could I ever have that kind of relationship with You?

That sounds like multitasking! I can’t multitask, Lord.

You created me. You know this.

…for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Of course He knows we can’t. We physically cannot. That is what’s so wonderful.

Almighty, Creator God who can know everything, all at once, has willed it to be so. In Christ Jesus. For us. Not against us. Not to knock us down or burden us. But for us. For our good.

Through His power, I can filter the chaos of my broken life through the perfection and the healing might of Jesus Christ. That doesn’t mean I don’t have to still deal with all the broken things. But what a difference knowing Jesus makes.

What a vast distance there is between my own, knee-jerk, selfish responses to people, and the way I can respond with His grace by His grace. That way He gets all the glory.

Father, knowing I can’t is initially stressful and intimidating. But it’s so freeing when I realize You can. I’m relying on You for the supernatural ability to rejoice and to pray and to give thanks in every moment, even when my mind feels too cluttered to even think straight. You are my Lord and my God. I believe Your promises, and I live for every glimpse of Your glory.

Do you ever feel as unequipped for life as your brain is for multitasking? What are some ways God has proven He can do what is impossible for man to do?

Kaley Faith Rhea is the co-author of Turtles in the Road, releasing soon, with two more novels in the works. Along with writing and teaching at writers’ conferences, she co-hosts the TV show, That’s My Mom, for Christian Television Network’s KNLJ in mid-Missouri. Kaley lives in the St. Louis area.

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Morguefile photos.

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Thursday, March 3, 2016 at 8:13AM

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Tuesday

Mar012016

Still a Daddy's Girl

Dawn Wilson

In this Relationship with God UPGRADE, Dawn reminds us how much the Father loves us!

I like to think I was my dad's favorite. Sorry, Pam, you may be my sister, but Daddy loved me best. (And in saying that, I recall the humor of the Smother's Brothers: "Mom always liked you best.")

Of course, that's not true. Dad didn't love me more than my sister. It just felt like Daddy loved me to the max. (I'm sure you feel the same way, sis.)

I was a "Daddy's Girl" growing up. Not that I didn't love Mom, but there was a special link to my dad.

I was the apple of His eye, and he loved me even when I messed up ... a lot!
I trusted Daddy completely and he was my protector.
Dad was more action than talk, but when he did share in quiet moments, he gave me wisdom for life; he prepared me to face many difficulties.
We thought alike and had similar goals; he gave me a sense of purpose.
And Daddy corrected me in love.
As a result, I always wanted to please Him.

In later years, after I moved to the opposite coast, distance kept us apart, but Daddy was always in my heart. Even after my dad passed away to be with the Lord, I find I am still connected to him through memories and love.

When I celebrated what would have been Daddy's birthday recently, I took time to contemplate something else: I'm also a spiritual daughter. God is my Heavenly Father.

"... I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to me, says the Lord Almighty" (2 Corinthians 6:18).

God's spirit wooed me to His love and when I trusted in Jesus to redeem me from my sin and give me new life, I became part of His heavenly family (John 1:12; Galatians 3:26; Ephesians 1:5).

"The Spirit himself testified with our spirit that we are God's children" (Romans 8:16).

Maybe you don't have a good example of fatherhood in your history (see note*). I understand that. Some dads, especially those who don't know the Lord, can be hurtful and ungodly; and I grieve whenever I see an unworthy example of fatherhood in the church.

My earthly daddy was a failing sinner who made some bad choices. He was as dependent on God's grace as I am.

Yet in many ways, my earthly daddy did remind me of my "Abba" (Romans 8:15; Galatians 4:6)—my Heavenly Father. Sometimes my dad intended to give me this model; other times I simply learned about God by watching Daddy's life.

Daddy gave me a sometimes dim, sometimes clear picture of my Father God.

In time, I came to understand at least six things about my Heavenly Father:

1. God LOVED me even when I was unloveable—long before I ever loved Him. "We love Him because He first loved us." (John 3:16; 1 John 4:10, 19) God chose me to be holy and blameless before Him in love (Ephesians 1:4).

He continues to love me today with contant, unfailing love; and someday, out of His love, He will make me like His Son (1 John 3:1-2). His unfailing love is priceless to me (Psalm 36:7a)

2. Father God is my Savior and PROTECTOR, much as He protected His chosen people, Israel. He is a refuge for His people (Psalm 17:7-9a; 91:1, 4).

I can trust Him, for He is a faithful refuge (Psalm 46:1).

3. My Father TEACHES me wisdom for life (Proverbs 7:2; Psalm 25:4-5)

He helps me think His thoughts and see from His perspective as I stay teachable and connected to Him through scripture and prayer.

4. God helps me understand and desire His PURPOSES (Psalm 33:11; 135:6; Isaiah 25:1; 55:11; Ephesians 1:9; Romans 12:1-2).

5. He DISCIPLINES me to change my character (Proverbs 3:12; Hebrews 12:6).

6. I want to PLEASE my good, wise and loving Father, following the example of Christ (John 4:34; 8:29; Romans 8:8; Psalm 147:11; Hebrews 11:6; Luke 6:46).

So as far as I can tell, I will always be a "Daddy's Girl."

By the way, don't let "distance" keep you apart from the Father. He is always present, but you may feel a tug in your heart that says something is wrong—that sin, apathy, idols, busyness, pride or something else is keeping you apart.

If you are a Prodigal child (Luke 15:11-32), come back to the Father.

He's waiting for you.

Are you part of God's heavenly family? Do you understand what that means? (If not, please read here.)

* A note to those who did (or do) not have a positive model of fatherhood in this world.

If you are wise, you will not allow this to fester in your heart with bitterness. Instead, you will carefully and prayerfully look to other strong and godly men in the Body of Christ for a worthy example of fatherhood. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide and guard your heart as you seek out worthy examples to observe and learn from. If he's still alive, pray and consider how to show love to your dad in ways that will draw him into a relationship (or closer walk) with the Lord.

And, remember: in the Bible, you can always study the character of the greatest Father in all creation, the Creator Himself!

Dawn Wilson, founder and President of Heart Choices Today, is the creator of three blogs:Heart ChoicesToday, LOL with God (with Pam Farrel), and Upgrade with Dawn. She is on the board of NEWIM, the Network of Evangelical Women in Ministry and is a contracted researcher for Revive Our Hearts. She and her husband Bob have two grown, married sons, three granddaughters and a rascally maltipoo, Roscoe.

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Tuesday, March 1, 2016 at 6:53AM

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Tuesday

Feb232016

Getting Through Your Grief

Dawn Wilson

I met Yvonne Ortega at AWSA, a writer's and speaker's conference in 2015. I was so surprised by her persistent joy. So many struggles conspired to keep this woman of God down, but she emerged victorious. In this helpful Grief and Ministry UPGRADE, she shares her story and what she learned about grief.

"I’ll never forget that Thursday night after work in May," Yvonne said. "I read an email that said, 'I’m sorry to hear the news about your son Brian. Call me"

I called my friend in California and said, 'What news about Brian?'

"She thought I knew my only child had died unexpectedly after eye surgery. Living on the opposite coast, I didn’t. Tears gushed down my checks. I could hardly talk."

I (Dawn) cannot imagine this mother heart's pain! I wonder, if I knew Yvonne during those dark days, would I have known what to say? Yvonne has some wise counsel about that.

She continues . . .

That was six years ago within weeks after the loss of two aunts and my mother. I walked around in shellshock.

Reality set in one year later on Mother’s Day.

Without my mother and son, there would be no cards, calls, gifts or visits. Only AGONY!

Here are three tips that helped me get through the grief.

First, I realized I couldn’t do it alone.

I went to The Compassionate Friends, a support group for those who’ve lost a child. That group met monthly. I also went to GriefShare , a weekly support group for those who’ve lost a loved one. I received a GriefShare workbook and a devotional.

Second, I needed to be honest about my feelings.

I didn’t need to be strong. I wouldn’t ruin my testimony if I cried.

God made me with tear glands. Jesus wept when Lazarus died, and He knew He would raise him from the dead.

I clung to 2 Corinthians 1:3-4:

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”

As I poured my heartaches and struggles into my journal, I sensed God’s presence.

Third, I accepted the fact that some people would do better not saying anything.

Friends like Job’s said,

“We all suffer little losses.” (How could the loss of my only child be little?)
“At least you know he’s in heaven.” (I was doubled over in pain because he’d never walk through my front door again, never call me or send me a card again. I couldn’t call or visit him or send him a card or a gift either.)
“I heard your son committed suicide.” (She heard a lie.)
“Call me if you need me.” (I never called anyone who said that.)

Others knew what to say:

“I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“I will miss Brian.”
“I’ll be over tomorrow at 1:00 pm to clean your house.”
“I want to fix dinner for you tonight. Do you have food allergies or foods you dislike?”
“I’m on the way to the post office. I can buy stamps for you.”
“What can I pick up for you when I go to the grocery store?”
“I’m going to the bookstore. If you need thank you notes, I’ll get them.”

I received God’s comfort and now share that comfort with others. I found peace and joy again, but not overnight.

If you’ve lost a loved one, what will you do this week to help you get through your grief?

If you know someone who is grieving, what can you say that’s helpful?

Yvonne Ortega is a licensed professonal counselor, a bilingual professional speaker and a speaking coach. She's the author of Moving from Broken to Beautiful: 9 Life Lessons to Help You Move Forward (2015) and Finding Hope for Your Journey through Breast Cancer (2010). She has not only survived but also thrived after a domestic violence marriage, breast caner and the loss of her only child. With honesty and humor, Yvonne uses personal examples and the truths of the Bible to help women move from broken to beautiful.

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of Witthaya Phonsawat at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

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Tuesday, February 23, 2016 at 2:00PM

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Thursday

Feb182016

Mount Up with Wings as ... Horseflies?

Dawn Wilson

Rhonda Rhea. Just thinking of her makes me smile. This God-centered humorist never fails to make me laugh ... and think. In this SPIRITUAL LIFE and ATTITUDE UPGRADE, she calls us to trust God in our struggles and learn to soar with Him.

"Unbelievable. First of all, it was the biggest horsefly-looking thing I’d ever seen," Rhonda says. "Was it a bird? A pterodactyl maybe?"

Didn't I (Dawn) tell you? She always has a funny perspective on life.

Rhonda continues . . .

More horse than fly, really. I think I could’ve saddled it. We’re talking about a horrifyingly large horsefly here. I read somewhere that the lifespan of the average horsefly is only a few days. If that’s true then this one had been alive for about four years.

But in addition to being huge, it was scary-strong.

The thing stayed on the windshield of my moving vehicle for 10 miles—during most of which I was clipping along at a speed of at least 55 miles per hour. What even WAS that thing?

He just kept staring through the windshield. Like he was creepily saying, “I’m keeping a compound eye on you.”

Also interesting was the fact that although it looked like he was having a hard time keeping his wings attached to his body, he could’ve just let go and flown away any time. But he just kept hanging on. I kind of wonder if he thought he was actually pulling the car.

How often do we struggle? Flapping our flimsy wings, thinking we’re hauling some heavy-duty situation along ourselves, acting for all the world like everything depends on us?

Hey, fellow-horseflies! We’re not pulling the car! It’s too heavy. It’s too big. It’s too…it’s just too “TOO.”

“Do you not know? Have you not heard? Yahweh is the everlasting God, the Creator of the whole earth. He never grows faint or weary; there is no limit to His understanding.

He gives strength to the weary and strengthens the powerless. Youths may faint and grow weary, and young men stumble and fall, but those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not faint” (Isaiah 40:28-31, HCSB).

The Lord knows our struggles. And He knows exactly what we need to be able to persevere, to overcome, to experience victory—to fly. He will strengthen us at our every weak place.

Horsefly wings? No thanks. How about that set of eagle wings instead. The key? It’s trust. “Those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength.”

The word for “trust” in Isaiah 40:31 is a word that includes the idea of looking eagerly for, lying in wait—expecting.

Oh blessed thought, expectantly knowing that the Lord will be our strength? That activates our strength! And it’s that trust that can launch us into victorious flight. Fifty-five mph? That’s nothing! No flapping and sputtering either. Peacefully soaring.

There’s nothing that’s “too anything” for our never-tiring, ever-trustworthy God.

Poor horsefly, he never soared. Before he finally let go and took off in a new direction, he looked a little like he’d taken a ride in a blender. We have choices too. Struggle to lift the car on our own and take a ride on blender blades, or let go in peaceful trust and let the Lord be our strength. And then…soar.

O Lord, let us trust in You in every struggle and soar in Your strength and peace!

As far as the bug on my windshield, I hope he doesn’t blame me for his lack of soaring. What if he decided to take revenge? It’d be like, an eye for an eye for an eye for an eye….

Are there struggles/obstacles weighing you down, keeping you from soaring? Ready to trust of the great God of the universe and let that trust outweigh all those temporary things?

Rhonda Rhea is a humor columnist and the author of 10 nonfiction books, including Espresso Your Faith and Join the Insanity—Crazy-Fun Life in the Pastors’ Wives Club. She also coauthors fiction with her daughter, Kaley Faith Rhea. Their first novel, Turtles in the Road, releases this fall with two more completed and coming soon. Rhonda speaks at conferences and events all over the country and she and her daughters host the TV show, That’s My Mom, for Christian Television Network’s KNLJ airing in mid-Missouri.