Dianne Barker INVESTS her live in women, encouraging them in their lives and families and teaching them how to live an abundant life. In this Marriage UPGRADE, she points out some nasty "thugs" trying to destroy our marriages!

"Watch out!" she says. "Snares, Tares, and Tumbleweeds are out to kill your marriage!"

Snares, tares and tumbleweeds? I (Dawn) wonder what she means? She certainly got my attention.

Dianne continues . . .

Who ARE those thugs?

Stress ... wearing many disguises.

And if you’re not careful, they’ll bludgeon your marriage to death.

Let’s remove the masks and see who’s there.

1. SNARES

Snares are things that entangle us or impede our progress—daily-living stuff that keeps us distracted.

(1) Job pressures.

When both husband and wife have high-stress careers, the pressure doubles—project overload and deadlines, continued training, personality conflicts in the office, irresponsibility or jealousy of co-workers, irritability when overlooked for promotion, indecision about changing jobs, hassles of a job search and moving to a new location. And don’t forget the stress of getting fired or laid off due to downsizing.

Physical and mental exhaustion come home from work with you, sit at your dinner table, and accompany you to bed.

(2) Financial pressure.

Living within our means may be an out-of-date concept. We don’t have to do that anymore, thanks to the availability of credit cards.

Overspending catapults us into deep water before we can say “credit score.”

When that bulging budget cannot be balanced, distress and dissension cast a permeating gloom over your home and family.

(3) Outside relationships.

Relationships with other people affect the marriage. When we’re angry or distracted over a disagreement or misunderstanding with someone else—boss, co-worker, neighbor, relative, child’s teacher, friend—we become preoccupied and irritable. And if your mother-in-law provokes you, those feelings of annoyance can spill over to your husband. He’s just like his mother!

Anger and resentment, like a contagious disease, ­­infect all who come in contact with you.

(4) Special circumstances.

Care-giving is inevitable in the later years of marriage. Elderly parents decline in health. Couples are stretched to the limit, trying to maintain normal life with added responsibility, possibly while dealing with health issues themselves. Many also find themselves rearing grandchildren.

There isn’t enough energy to go around…and the marriage becomes the sacrifice.

2. TARES

Tares are the work of our unseen Enemy whose goal is to destroy us, using every tactic he can come up with.

His favorite tools include misunderstanding, weariness, and negative thinking.  

3. TUMBLEWEEDS

Tumbleweeds are children, rooted in our family briefly then whisked by the wind to distant places. With immeasurable love, we pour out our lives for them.

Stress during their young years—teaching obedience and refereeing sibling spats—doesn’t compare with the stress of parenting teenagers. Be aware of the power of peer influence.

Stand firm, parents, or the kids will divide you.

Are snares, tares, and tumbleweeds weakening your marriage foundation and boosting your stress load to infinity-plus?

Don’t give up on the marriage. Evaluate. Eliminate the stress you can eliminate. Simplify. Do less. Say no.

Begin paring down your stress to what seems a manageable level. And then hand it to Jesus because you’re not able to manage it at any level.

He said, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for our souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30).

He can handle those thugs!

A final question: How are you dealing with stress in all its disguises?

Dianne Barker is a speaker, radio host and author of 11 books, including the best-selling Twice Pardoned and award-winning I Don’t Chase the Garbage TruckDown the Street in My Bathrobe Anymore! Organizing for the Maximum Life. She’s a member of Advanced Writers and Speakers Association, Christian Authors Network, and Christian Women in Media. 

(Post adapted from Help! I’m Stuck and I Can’t Get Out! The Maximum Marriage Maintenance and Repair Kit, available soon at www.diannebarker.com.)

Graphic adapted, courtesy of Pixabay.com.

In Part 2 of this Relationship UPGRADE, Laura Petherbridge asks us to explore the last four myths for why relationships fail.

You might want to remember and consider what Laura said in Part 1: There are “hidden booby traps that often go undetected until the relationship dies.”

I (Dawn) don’t think any wise person wants his/her marriage to die. We want to expose those booby traps so we can work on the relationship! I still remember the day I realized I was believing Myth #6 (below) in my own marriage! I had to confront it and change … and in turn, it strengthened our marriage.

So let’s continue with Laura in Part 2 . . .

Myth #5: Pornography Will Not Harm My Marriage.

If I plopped a few drops of Clorox bleach into your morning coffee would you drink it? Likely not.

That’s how pornography affects the precious sweetness of the sexual union between a husband and a wife. It’s toxic and deadly.

It’s adultery. Period.

“My wounds fester and stink because of my foolish sins” (Psalm 38: 5 NLT).

Myth #6: It’s My Spouse’s Job to Meet My Needs.

When we expect a human to meet a need that can only God can fill, we are headed for disappointment and trouble. It is neither feasible nor wise to expect a spouse to meet all of my needs.

God is the only one up for the task. He intentionally created us to seek our significance and purpose through Him alone. He is our source.

“For in him we live and move and have our being” (Acts 17:28a NIV).

Myth #7: Keeping Secrets from My Spouse Will Not Harm My Marriage.

Can your spouse look at your phone, computer, DVDs, gas mileage, receipts, credit card bill, closet, calendar or hiding spot at any time? If the answer is no, the immediate question is, “why not”? If the answer is because he/she is a manipulative bully and dictates your every move, than you have a different problem. But if it’s because you don’t want to be held accountable—that’s deception.

And lies destroy relationships.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” John 10:10 (NIV).

Myth #8: Divorce Does Not Happen to Good Christians.

I cringe when I hear a sermon where the pastor/speaker states that the way to keep a marriage alive is by “removing the word divorce from your vocabulary.”

Why? I have proof it’s untrue.

I removed the word divorce from my vocabulary. My former husband did not. I ended up ambushed by divorce.

The implication is a marriage will stay intact if a spouse decides to keep their vow. That’s incorrect because marriage involves two people. And it takes two people to get married, but only one person to divorce.

The phrase sets us up for failure because it implies you can control the actions and decisions of your spouse.

I hate divorce and desperately wanted my marriage to succeed.

And yet it didn’t.

Church attendance, Bible reading, salvation, prayer and reciting “I’ll never get divorced” do not automatically inoculate a spouse from divorce. Almost every person I’ve ministered to in divorce recovery said to me, “I can’t believe it. How did this happen? I never dreamed I’d be divorced.”

A wise Christian continuously works on strengthening his/her marriage, allows accountability, and discovers areas of weakness.

He/she fervently prays, learns, reads and grows as a spouse. All the while understanding, “The desire of my heart is to please God and be a steadfast, respectful compassionate and loving mate. I pray my spouse will do the same. God is in charge of controlling those things in my spouse. I can’t control the actions of another person.”

“Foolish dreamers live in a world of illusion; wise realists plant their feet on the ground” (Proverbs 14:18 MSG).

The reality is that marriage is not nearly as much about finding the right person as it is becoming the right person.

Do you see elements of the last four myths in your own marriage? What can you do today to improve your marriage? Do you have a wise, godly counselor who can help you work through tough issues? You don’t have to go through a difficult marriage alone.

Laura Petherbridge is an international author and speaker who serves couples and single adults with topics on singles, relationships, divorce prevention, stepfamilies and divorce recovery. She is the author of When “I Do” Becomes “I Don’t”—Practical Steps for Healing During Separation and Divorce; The Smart Stepmom—co-authored with Ron Deal; 101 Tips for the Smart Stepmom; and Quiet Moments for the Stepmom Soul. Visit Laura’s website, The Smart Stepmom.

Graphic adapted, image courtesy of stocksnapio.

As a speaker, author, teacher and life coach, Laura Petherbridge builds bridges of hope for and has keen insight into why relationships fail. In this Relationship UPGRADE, she offers helpful tips to help all married couples “check up” on their marriages.

“After more than twenty-five years in divorce recovery ministry,” Laura says, “I’ve watched more marriages disintegrate than I can count. Why do these relationships fail?”

I (Dawn) so appreciate Laura’s willingness to reach out to those who hurt from broken relationships—often a forgotten topic in our churches. She offers help from the Word of God and her own experiences.

Laura continues . . .

Listening to people who are getting divorced has helped me to uncover some of the root causes. These aren’t the obvious signs such as an empty check book or separate bedrooms. I’m referring to the concealed explosives lurking beneath the tension and fighting. The issues hidden under the stuff we address in church such as: love types, financial stress, gender differences, communication skills, respect, and intimacy.

Because the couple, “doesn’t know-what they don’t know” they rarely recognize the undetected detonators that destroy a marriage which could have been saved.

The unique insight I’ve gleaned after years working with those divorcing propels me to help expose the hidden booby traps that often go undetected until the relationship dies.

Here are 8 myths we believe about falling in love, getting married and maintaining a relationship.

Myth #1: Leniency Is an Act of Love

Does God have any problem allowing us to suffer a consequence when we make an unwise or sinful choice? 

NO. (Disagree? Look up Adam and Eve, King David and Ananias/Sapphira.)

Then where did we get the crazy notion that loving our spouse means tolerating, ignoring, and making excuses for their harmful and sinful choices?

We certainly didn’t learn that perversion from the word from God—the Creator of Love.

He explains it clearly:

Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I obey your word” (Psalm 119:67 NIV).

Suffering, not leniency, was the action that brought the Psalmist to his senses.

True love allows a spouse to suffer a consequence when they repeatedly choose an unwise, destructive pattern.

The loving response is not done in disrespect or anger but rather a compassionate attitude of, “I love you too much to let you keep doing this without a consequence.” A harsh reality often provides the catalyst and motivation necessary for the spouse to come to their senses, make changes—and thrive.

Myth #2: I Can Change My Spouse.

I’m so grateful God is patient. It took the Holy Spirit some time and consistent nudging before I finally realized I was sinning and spitting in God’s face when I attempted to change or “fix” someone else—including my spouse.

God packed my husband’s personality luggage in the way He knew was best. I needed to stop trying to change him into what I think he should be—like ME!

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart” (Jeremiah 1:5 NLT).

Myth #3:  I’m Entitled to Be Happy.

As much as I love my country, being born today in the USA comes with one significant pitfall. The land of the “free and the brave” has morphed into “I deserve to have and do whatever I want.”

As a nation we spend a lot of time focusing on our “rights” rather than our responsibilities. And this self-glorifying attitude is killing our marriages.

If there was ever a person who had the right to claim His rights—it was King Jesus! Even his trial was illegal. However, this is not His focus. He teaches us to focus on responsibility rather than rights. Loyalty lifts our head and fills us with self-respect, character, and dignity. This is the foundation that builds a healthy marriage and family.

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3 NIV).

Myth #4: My Childhood and Previous Emotional Wounds Are in the Past. They Have No Effect on My Marriage.

Both the sins done to you and the sins done by you affect your marriage. Past destructive choices embed shame, fear and self-loathing. That’s why God hates sin, it shackles us to lies and darkness. And unless we confront those tormentors, and learn how they have perverted our thinking and actions, they fester.

We cannot heal and restore what we refuse to admit and acknowledge. 

Jesus forgives all sin and teaches us how to forgive others. The first step toward restoration is speaking truth and surrender.

“My father and mother walked out and left me, but GOD took me in” Psalm 27:10 (MSG).

Have you believed any of these myths so far? What is God saying to you about your marriage in relation to His truth?

In Part Two of this post, Laura will explore four more myths about relationships to help us understand why they fail.

Laura Petherbridge is an international author and speaker who serves couples and single adults with topics on singles, relationships, divorce prevention, stepfamilies and divorce recovery. She is the author of When “I Do” Becomes “I Don’t”—Practical Steps for Healing During Separation and Divorce; The Smart Stepmom—co-authored with Ron Deal; 101 Tips for the Smart Stepmom; and Quiet Moments for the Stepmom Soul. Visit Laura’s website, The Smart Stepmom.

Graphic adapted, i

Dr. Laurel Shaler encourages the positive intersection of faith, culture and emotional well-being. She offers wise counsel in this Marriage UPGRADE.

"Although most people have moved on from the Ashley Madison scandal, the issue of adultery is not one we should move on from,” Laurel says. “Sadly, even Christians have affairs; however, it doesn’t have to be so. There are numerous ways to prevent this from happening.”

Just this week, I (Dawn) heard about another Christian couple who find their marriage "on the rocks. Lasting, faithful marriages don't just "happen." It takes commitment to keeping vows and intentionally protecting their relationship.

Laurel continues . . . 

Most people don’t start out their marriages with an intent to cheat, but somehow they fall into this sin. Prevention is possible, with the right knowledge and effort.

With that in mind, here are some ways to help prevent extramarital affairs:

1) Before you commit a lifetime to someone, go for pre-marital counseling.

While pastoral counseling for a few sessions prior to tying the knot is excellent, most couples would greatly benefit from more in-depth counseling prior to walking down the aisle. Make sure you are compatible before marriage … don’t wait until after the honeymoon is over to discover there are traits or characteristics about your spouse that you cannot tolerate for a lifetime.

2) Once you commit, COMMIT!

 You’ve said “I do” or “I will” and you should stand by that vow. You know the saying, "Nothing worth having comes easily." A long and healthy marriage doesn’t come easily, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth your efforts.  

3) Put God first in your marriage.

Growing in your faith as a couple is critical in maintaining a strong and healthy relationship. Attend church and Bible study together. Pray together. Worship together. A strand of three cords is not easily broken!

It’s through Christ that you are really able to stand by your commitment. 

4) Attend to your marriage.

This means placing your spouse second only to God. This means nurturing your relationship. Choose your wife over football. Choose your husband over a night out with the girls.

Listen, I am not suggesting you can’t ever spend time with people or activities other than your spouse (in fact, just the opposite); however, if you are consistently placing your spouse on the backburner, your marriage will suffer. 

5) Be willing to sacrifice for your spouse.

Your marriage doesn’t have to suffer, but you may have to.

Be open to communication. Speak your spouse’s love language (see Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages). Fight fair.

What does this mean? Be willing to listen more than you speak. (That's a personal challenge for me since I naturally talk more than my husband. Ok, I talk a lot more than my husband.) Be willing to apologize when you are wrong and do so quickly. Be willing to set down your pride for the sake of your marriage.

6) Guard your heart.

Just because you are in love with the person you marry does not mean you never find anyone else attractive. When you become attracted to someone else (whether it’s their appearance, personality, similar interests, etc.), that can lead to dangerous territory.

Be very careful about placing yourself in a position that might expose you to temptation.

7) Don’t rely on your friends.

Don’t, I repeat, don’t rely on your friends to fix your marriage. Venting to your friends may feel good in the moment, but in the long run it can damage your marriage and your friendships. I am not saying you can’t speak to a trusted friend and align in prayer for your marriage, but this is completely different than bad mouthing your spouse. It’s also different from getting marriage advice from your friends, which is also not a good idea.

One good use of your friends is to have a mentor couple that you and your spouse can learn from. This should be a couple who has been married longer than you, is in a different season of their marriage than you, and has a fully committed marriage with a foundation and focus on God.

8) At the first sign of struggle, seek help.

You might start with pastoral counseling, and maybe this will be enough to get your marriage back on track, but finding a licensed therapist may be the best thing for your marriage.

Don’t allow your marital problems to become an excuse to seek comfort in the arms of another.

Our help ultimately comes from the Lord, but He has provided wisdom and knowledge to other people who can be instrumental in not helping your marriage survive, but thrive. Place your trust in Him and love your spouse with His love. Impossible to do 100% of the time, but worth the effort.

There is a lot that goes into establishing and maintaining a marriage in which both partners are fully committed to one another. In the midst of problems, cheating is never the answer.

Hebrews 13:4 commands us to “Let marriage be held in honor among all.”

Will you commit to saying no to affairs … and yes to your marriage?

Dr. Laurel Shaler is a licensed social worker and nationally certified counselor. She is a faculty member at Liberty University, and is in the process of adopting with her husband, Lt. Nicholas Shaler. Laurel can be contacted via her website.

Graphic adapted, Image courtesy of marcolm at FreeDigitalPhotos.net